I fell in love ,
& I broke it .

♥LunaAphrodite.
I sing, i dance, i go crazy. :D
whatever.

Before I do anything
Written on : Wednesday, August 14, 2013, 9:25 AM

In my whole entire life , my decisions have never been respected . I've never felt love or comfort from my parents, I've been bullied , I've been put down , I've been through pretty fucked up relationships and friendships that I don't even want to touch on right now .
I've been told that I'm a burden , a mistake by my family and the one person I've ever loved so much . I am the biggest regret they all have in their life .
Last thing I heard from him was "change" .

My emotions affects 99% every single thing I do , my studies have been going down the drain , I have no motivation to even get out of my house , I can't think properly , I constantly want to hurt myself , I cannot feel anything else but the sadness taking over me
I've never learnt to love myself , from young I've been told that there was nothing in me to love about . People I meet just proved my parents right . The amount of hurt and abuse I've received by my ex-boyfriends and my mum seem to come back and haunt me all the time . Words I hear ring in my head .
Right now I am at the bottom of my life , I've never felt so low before .
You used the things that hurt me against me , hurt me even more than it was supposed to feel to begin with . My mum used to tell me to kill myself which was one of the reasons why I felt that I should not be living but nobody else would say those things to me , the first person was you "go cut yourself and commit suicide"
These words cuts like a knife and it continues to haunt me every single time I feel that you don't care . "You're not worth my time , biggest mistake I've made in my life , slut , you don't deserve me , no wonder people treat you like this , I regret meeting you .. " and all the other crude words and the way you talk and treat me over this period of time I've been together with you .
I am very sick for this past 2-3 weeks .
My body would reject food that I eat , I would just throw up after a meal .
My body would just be weak
I can't move around properly
I would fall sick so randomly

You said : "Change" "I love you" "I'm sick of you"

I really wanna smile and be happy again but my options are constantly being eliminated by you.
Luna stop this nonsense .
Funny how you say I'm doing this just for the attention.
I haven't been able to end my life yet because when I'm about to do it there's always something holding me back , like looking at my guinea pigs , picturing how I would look when I'm on the ground , thinking how happy I could be if I were to be alive ..

Why I wanna do it ?

Firstly I wouldn't be able to burden my parents anymore .
It is my only escape , maybe after death I would be able to find peace and tranquility
I wouldn't be able to let you or anyone to hurt me anymore if I died .

It's funny how people say that it's selfish and stupid to suicide when they constantly put down that particular person , not making things better for her and wanting her to continue living just because they couldn't let her go even though she's living the life that she hates .
Everytime I thought about you I just couldn't stop crying , how could you bear to do this to me ? Constantly pushing me to my limits and hurting my over and over again . I shouldn't have opened up to you and let you know how Weak I really am inside . I missed those times I felt happy and loved.

I took some medication for my depression , and I lay down on my bed . Everything is so quiet and my body feels so light , my head feel so light .
I kept thinking to myself that I could feel like this forever if I'm no longer alive .
I wouldn't be hurt so badly if I died earlier
So I went to look up on painless ways to suicide , or different ways I could die successfully . And apparently it's hard to get hold of any of the medication or a gun in Singapore .
I've been trying so hard to feel a need for myself to exist for the past 12 years of my life .
I've been looking for happiness , confidence , trust . They don't seem to come by easily and no matter how hard I work for it , every single time when it seems to be in reach it just gets broken infront of my eyes

So when I was lying down , my parents thought that I was asleep , I heard them talking about me .
They know my depression has been getting out of hand , and this is what I heard coming out of my own mother's mouth : " maybe she should just go kill herself and stop being a burden to us, no point seeing doctor"
After hearing that, I cried .
After so many years she still wants me dead
So I stood infront of my window , telling Ridhwan how much I wanna kill myself, he posted on twitter : " never get one's attention by committing suicide . Not even once . "
Now I know why he never cared when I told him he hurt me so much that I would rather die than to go through all of that .
From the deepest of my heart , I genuinely want to get rid of myself . I just wanna let you know so that I would know if you actually care if I was gone , but you don't .
The words you said to me "Go cut yourself and commit suicide " it never got out of my head ever since you said that to me. Never .

I'm still looking for a reason to live for , I'm trying to be strong but if I suddenly go , please do know that I had the choice of living but there isn't a reason strong enough for me to live for anymore and that I'm happier dead than alive.
For those of you who love me , I love you too.